What Love Is

I often wonder how do I love but I think I love in these few peculiar ways:

I do not easily fall in love, especially to someone I barely know. I believe in attraction at first sight, but not love at first sight. For me, love is nurtured by time and togetherness. I am not easily smitten by a man's attractive looks, however, I am usually drawn closer to someone who cares for me and treats me special. Someone who shares the same wavelength with me. Most importantly, someone I trust.

I love patiently. I refuse to engage into a romantic relationship just for the sake of it, just to show to the world I have someone in my life. I prefer to wait for the man I love, convinced that he is worth waiting for. Yet, along the way, I have realized, waiting is not easy. :(

I love faithfully. My heart seems locked up for the one I have chosen to love. I am like a horse that is not inclined to looking elsewhere, only to one direction, that is to the one I love. Yes, I still appreciate those good looking guys out there, yet it remains superficial. I do cherish the love being given to me by the one I also love more than a priceless jewel. Yet, I will freely let it go when clouded with doubts and uncertainties.

I have realized that loving someone is not always as sweet as candies. It is not simply an emotion, not simply about blushing and getting excited to next adventures together. Loving is all about the following:

Commitment. Regardless of the circumstances, you commit to love the person and do your part to make the relationship grow. Whether you are sad, disappointed and furious, it does not mean you stop loving.

Openness. Of course, you must not hide what you really feel. Do not make one person guess. Be open. After all, "open rebuke is better than secret love", says Proverbs. A secret love is heading to nowhere, hence, has no future. Pretending to be "okay" when you are not only makes things worse.

Faithfulness. I remember what I read in one article, which defines faithfulness as "having full of faith not to be caught cheating". That's the worst definition ever (which maybe some can relate). :( For me, faithfulness means being faithful to your partner by resisting and standing firm when temptations bang your door.

Trust. Well, how can you love someone you do not trust? Impossible. It only begets paranoia, worse, pain. Trust is truly vital in a relationship because whether you are physically together or not, you have the peace of mind that you are not being betrayed. I gave up my past relationship because of shattered trust. It was so ironic that the person I loved was the same person I could not trust anymore.

God as the center of your relationship. Misunderstanding, quarrels, and conflicts are real to all relationships. What is important is how you deal with these matters and how you let God intervene. We should not be overcome by our own selfish desires. We have to check if what pleases the Lord. We should be humble to admit and correct our own mistakes. In such ways, the relationship we value will grow and mature. :)

Letters Never to be Delivered

Yesterday, I read about "letters never to be delivered". In these letters, you can write anything you want. Your true feelings: angst, fear, doubt, hurt; ecstasy, affection, love, and so on. Nothing to worry about because it is only who can read your letters.

I used to have a journal two years ago. I wrote when I was sad, confused, hurt, and broken. I also wrote when I felt happy and elated. My journal was like "letters never delivered", in a sense that no one else was able to read it. It was between me and God.

Until now, writing is like my refuge. It allows me to express what I truly feel, what I could not directly tell to other people. I am not the confrontational type. I opt to keep quiet when too sad and too angry. I did not even confront the girl (my former roommate at worse!)who dated my former boyfriend.

Yes, I love talking, but I do not usually share my deepest pains. I seldom cry, much more in front of other people. And if I do, the level of pain must be something I could hardly bear. Or it can also be I am too comfortable with the person who serves as my crying shoulder. But I do cry when I write, when I lie down in my bed with the lights off.

Recently, I shift into blogging. It is more convenient for me than writing using a pen. I can easily change my thoughts without messing my write up. I have given access to my blog to few persons only. I would have wanted to keep it for myself only, but one house mate who once saw me while writing, persuaded me enough to give her the access. Another colleague/friend also asked me to give him the access with the promise he wont let others read. My online Japanese student willingly shared to me his blog so I was sort of pressured to let him read mine.

If I were to write letters never to be delivered, I think I can write few but emotional ones. :(

A Dear Friend on One Painful Friday

I did try to endure the pain so I could report for work. I managed to take a bath, fix myself and go to the office just in time. As I sat down in my desk, I felt so weak. My boss came in a little late so I had to wait for her to seek permission before I could go home to rest. As much as I wanted to continue working, I couldn't. The pain of my dysmenorrhea was beyond tolerable. And so I went home. It was my first time to be absent from my current job. I did experience dysmenorrhea almost every other month since early last year, yet I endured the pain, or it occurred during my rest days.

The pain always reminds me of the same pain I felt the day before I had appendectomy more than two years ago, hence anxious thoughts would creep in. I am afraid something wrong might happen. I am afraid to undergo the same painful experience, undergoing an operation without my family.

I slept again fully covered with a blanket. Three hours later I woke up with fever (38.8 degree Celsius). I panicked. I was afraid something's wrong. The pain seemed to increase even more. I could hardly walk. I only got paracetamol, no pain reliever. I asked my roommate to buy food for my lunch so I could take medicine right after. No one could buy pain reliever for me since my roommates had to go to school. I remembered my dear friend (and neighbor) Arbee. I sent her a text message asking favor to buy medicines for me. After several minutes, she came with the medicines (good thing she has ready medicines in their house). As we entered the room, I couldn't help but burst into tears because of the pain and anxiety. Seeing me cry, she kidded I might not only have a dysmenorrhea but also a broken heart. What she said made me laugh.

As a nurse and as someone who also experiences severe dysmenorrhea, she told me the basics of it. She also told me it would be better to drink pain reliever at the onset of the pain. I am not so open to taking pain reliever as I do not want my body to be dependent on it every time I have dysmenorrhea. But that time the pain was too much I decided to take one. She also let me take paracetamol and advised to continue with the medication until the fever subsides. Before she left, she told me to give her updates. What she said was very re-assuring for me.

My sincerest thanks to you my dear friend! Thank you for empathizing with my pain and for caring for me. You were the angel God sent to comfort me.

I'll gonna miss you, my little boss. . .
You will always be in my prayers. =)


p.s. I feel better now as I am writing. :)

=(

My Prayers for Year 2011 and Onwards

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. ~ Matthew 7:7-8

My Loving Heavenly Father,

You know my heart, my thoughts and my desires. And I believe you are our prayer-answering God. Just writing my prayer concerns for 2011 and for the coming year/s:

1. Spiritual growth, good health, financial blessings, for myself, my family, my DBCC care group/family, and the people close to my heart.

2. Consistent and active involvement in church ministries.

3. My seven month-old nephews baby Angelo and baby Nathan to grow knowing, trusting, loving and serving you.

4. Long, happy and comfortable life for my parents.

5. Christ-centered, abundant and joyful married life for my older sister and my younger brother.

6. My youngest sister to succeed in her studies.

6. Direction and blessing in my career; doing what I really love and good at, above all, doing what pleases you, Lord.

7. Good and harmonious relationship with my family, my brethren in Christ, my friends, my house mates, my colleagues, and other people surrounding me.

8. My lifetime partner: a single man of godly character, with true commitment, good conviction; with sense of responsibility, and great love to the Lord. A man whom I love; who loves me, his family, my family, and our future children. =)

Thank you Lord for how you will answer my prayers for your glory.
In Jesus name, Amen.",)

Counting My Blessings for the Past 2010

Looking back, God has truly blessed me in many ways for the year 2010, and I am counting them now.

1) My Master in Management degree (University of the Philippines-Mindanao).

2) My current job as a Training Officer at Davao Doctors College, allowing me to have more time for my ministry, my self, and my family.

3) My Young Professional Care Group at Davao Bible Community Church.

4) My seven month-old adorable nephews, Rhoede Angelo and Nathan James.

5) Christmas and New Year celebrations together with my growing family.

6) Good health for me and my loved ones. Complete recovery of my nephews who were hospitalized last December.

7) God's financial provisions for me and my family.

8) My new-found good friends in the workplace and in my church.

9) My caring house mates.

10) My sad and happy experiences.

Thank you dear God for everything! =)