My Favorite Mistakes

"I'm addicted to you; you're a hard habit to break..."

This line of Chicago's song entitled Hard Habit to Break has made me think of my few hard habits to break, which I prefer to call, my favorite mistakes.

I am a night person. Yes, I do plan to sleep early and wake up early but I rarely do. I wont get sleepy until the clock hits 12MN (like a Cinderella, huh!). Each morning, I hardly drag myself out of bed. The alarm clock works for me but I just like re-setting it. The good thing though is that I make it on time for work. I was only tardy twice, when I accidentally brushed my leg to a hot flat iron and when I failed to notice my cellphone clock was reset. However, most of the time I go to work with empty stomach. I am fully aware that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I have heard about it many times from medical people and read it in many health-related articles. Unfortunately, it remains a head knowledge for me, no application yet. And each time hunger pangs and sleepiness attack, I am regretful. And again, I tell myself to sleep early and wake up early, only to do the opposite the next day.

I am a couch potato. I wont mind being in the house the whole day just watching movies, reading books, surfing the internet, writing in my blog, while eating cookies and chips. I like sports but I need someone to bring me along to the basketball court or the bowling station. I also like to go to the gym but not yet pressured to do so looking at my relatively slim figure (though I think recently I have gained weight and "fats"). Two months ago, I played bowling with my church care group but it has been two years since the last time I played basketball. My sporty momentum was lost with my extreme busyness the past two years. Nevertheless, I want to have regular sports and exercise to keep my body fit and healthy. Maybe, I'll start next week? (Here I go again! Same familiar line.)

I am a hopeless romantic. I do not easily fall in love but when I do I love until it hurts. In my past relationship, I gave a second chance, amidst oppositions of my family and my friends, only to be doubly hurt on the second betrayal. A part of me did regret, but I learned one important thing--that choosing the one for me is really hard without God leading my heart. Since then, I entrust to God my future lifetime partner.

Yes, I wrestle with my heart--to stop being a hopeless romantic and be more in touch with reality. I do tell my heart to love the one who loves me, not necessarily the one I love. After all, love can be learned. But my heart is not convinced so far. The statement of Blaise Pascal, "The heart has its own reasons that reason cannot understand", seems to justify my stubborn heart. I believe that the love I deserve will just come. I do not have to settle for the second best. God's best is worth waiting for. Now, I want to call myself a "hopeful romantic".

My favorite mistakes. They make me sick and cry once in a while. Yet, they are just hard to break. . .

When My Mind and My Heart Collide

Many people think I am the rational type. Today, two friends from church were surprised to discover I am more emotional than logical in certain aspects. With my educational background and work experiences, they expected me to be able to rationalize things out, which include my emotions.

I admit I am rational most of the time. When I was a student, obtaining good grades mattered to me because I had to maintain good academic standing--to prove that I belonged to the honor roll not by chance but by competence, and to maintain my scholarship when I entered UP. I did not even try getting into a relationship with the fear it would ruin my studies. When I started my career at 20, I was too focused in my job that one officemate tagged me as the "serious type" because she did not hear me laugh the whole day, and said it was unusual considering my young age. On the later years, my manager considered me as a "young person with a mature mind", and so at 23, she gave me such huge responsibility to supervise the HR department. I was hesitant but more challenged so I accepted the job. And the experience made me more rational than emotional. I always told myself, it's only work, it's not necessarily about me. So each time I heard criticisms about me concerning my work, I just convinced myself to take it constructively, not emotionally. And so my motto was: " my job does not deserve my tears!". It took plenty of rationalization to appease my doubting young mind and heart though every time I wanted but controlled myself not to cry. I think I managed it gracefully. I appeared strong to them because they did not see me cry.

No wonder why most people in my previous company considered me strict, unfriendly, not the smiling type and so on. They never knew it was my defense mechanism for those times I experienced being belittled by some older colleagues merely because of my age. They just did not know that for many times I thought of giving up too. But I stayed because I wanted to prove to them and to myself that I was no quitter. And true enough, I remained in the company for almost eight years, and through the years, older colleagues got used with me. And I suppose they gradually understood it was not about me, it was about the nature of my job.

Right now, I sometimes wonder if I am the rational or the emotional type. I think I am still both. I am rational when it comes to my job as I want to take it professionally. However, I am emotional when it comes to my relationships. I only have few but trusted friends. I am also a trusting person to people who already have a place in my heart. Usually, it takes me some time to trust someone. But there were also instances that it only took me few months to really give my trust.

So when my mind and my heart collide, my choice largely depends on the situation. But as I mature now, I want to strike a good balance. :)