Many people think I am the rational type. Today, two friends from church were surprised to discover I am more emotional than logical in certain aspects. With my educational background and work experiences, they expected me to be able to rationalize things out, which include my emotions.
I admit I am rational most of the time. When I was a student, obtaining good grades mattered to me because I had to maintain good academic standing--to prove that I belonged to the honor roll not by chance but by competence, and to maintain my scholarship when I entered UP. I did not even try getting into a relationship with the fear it would ruin my studies. When I started my career at 20, I was too focused in my job that one officemate tagged me as the "serious type" because she did not hear me laugh the whole day, and said it was unusual considering my young age. On the later years, my manager considered me as a "young person with a mature mind", and so at 23, she gave me such huge responsibility to supervise the HR department. I was hesitant but more challenged so I accepted the job. And the experience made me more rational than emotional. I always told myself, it's only work, it's not necessarily about me. So each time I heard criticisms about me concerning my work, I just convinced myself to take it constructively, not emotionally. And so my motto was: " my job does not deserve my tears!". It took plenty of rationalization to appease my doubting young mind and heart though every time I wanted but controlled myself not to cry. I think I managed it gracefully. I appeared strong to them because they did not see me cry.
No wonder why most people in my previous company considered me strict, unfriendly, not the smiling type and so on. They never knew it was my defense mechanism for those times I experienced being belittled by some older colleagues merely because of my age. They just did not know that for many times I thought of giving up too. But I stayed because I wanted to prove to them and to myself that I was no quitter. And true enough, I remained in the company for almost eight years, and through the years, older colleagues got used with me. And I suppose they gradually understood it was not about me, it was about the nature of my job.
Right now, I sometimes wonder if I am the rational or the emotional type. I think I am still both. I am rational when it comes to my job as I want to take it professionally. However, I am emotional when it comes to my relationships. I only have few but trusted friends. I am also a trusting person to people who already have a place in my heart. Usually, it takes me some time to trust someone. But there were also instances that it only took me few months to really give my trust.
So when my mind and my heart collide, my choice largely depends on the situation. But as I mature now, I want to strike a good balance. :)
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