Being Alone in the Dark

Twas past 12 mid-night when I got home from the bible study and birthday celebration of Elwyn (a churchmate)at his place. I brought my house keys but the main door was already double locked. Since the house was ransacked few weeks ago, our landlady has imposed to double lock the main door at 12 mid-night. When we were about to leave at Elwyn's place, I called up a roommate and asked a favor to open the main door for me. I was a bit apprehensive though if she could make it knowing she's a sleepyhead. When I reached home, my landlady opened the main door while I was still opening the gate. I was glad she was still awake. I thanked her as I entered the house. I immediately headed to the comfort room and few minutes later went upstairs where our room is located. And to my dismay, the door was closed! I called up my two roommates but their cellphones just kept on ringing. After many attempts, I decided to spend the night in the living room. Still, God is good as I was safe inside the house.

Since my younger years, I have been afraid of being alone in the dark. Maybe because I am used to having roommates. I shared the room with my older sister from elementary to high school. When I was in college, I also stayed in the dormitory where I shared the room with three others. Maidy, a dorm mate, remarked that I should not be afraid being alone in the dark. . . for in the dark, tears can freely fall without being seen. I do think she is right. When I feel down, I do cry with the lights off. I do not want my roommates to see me crying. I do not want them to witness my vulnerability. Through the years, I have learned crying in the dark, without being noticed by roommates (though at times, my eyebugs simply showed I cried!).

Amazing. Last night, I did not feel any fear while being alone in the dark. The big mirror in the living room did not scare me, too. I am usually afraid of a big mirror during night time (I like the mirror during day time, especially when I am fixing myself!), with the childish thought and cowardice that some ghosts might appear in there.

I fell asleep at approximately 2:30AM. For the two hours I was awake, I was lying down in the couch (good thing, it's a long couch and I just fit comfortably; was just a little uncomfortable wearing the same pants and blouse I wore in the bible study/party)while exchanging text messages with two of my churchmates (Matet and Tere) who were also concerned if I got home safely. Matet could not also sleep yet for she was still waiting for her beloved "best", Patrick, to arrive in his own home after bringing her home (so sweet!). The texts from another friend (Jaypee) also made me feel relieved; they offered me some company for a while.

I also spent time reflecting and talking to God. I could not explain but my heart was heavy then. Not because it was my first time not to sleep in our room after my four years of stay in the boarding house. I think it's because I am still trying to understand how few important things in my life have unfolded, with some unexpected "twists". I was asking God to give me comfort, peace and joy while waiting for Him to reveal His plans for me. But I must admit, waiting is truly tiring and painful... Without His grace, I can easily give up. But I do not want to give up too soon. Pastor Norman mentioned in his Sunday sermon that one of the reasons of failure is "giving up too soon."

Early morning, Matet sent me an inspiring verse found in Psalm 37:4, " Seek your happiness in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desire. Tere also sent me another encouraging verse in Matthew 6:34, "So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add the troubles each day brings."

I am truly inspired with those verses. I thank God for using my care group to cheer me up. God is really sensitive of my feelings. He knows when I am joyful and sorrowful.

I do thank you, dear Lord for being with me always especially every time I am groping in the dark.


p.s. Today, I commit to read the book, Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I want to have a 40-day journey with the Lord as I seek His will. =)